Category Commentary, News

“New Phone Who Dis?”

by Hubert Pach


It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone needs a new phone every single year. Whether it has gotten a millimeter thinner or its camera has more megapixels, life would be unsurvivable if, heaven forbid, one were to have an outdated model. This has been the norm since the invention of the telegraph. However, a new ideology has surfaced through a very strange man.

The person in the spotlight is Henry Zeffer from a small town in Minnesota, and his ideas are perhaps the most radical the country has seen thus far. He first betrayed the nation by saying “If you don’t like it, don’t buy it,” at an Apple store. This statement shocked the public after it went viral. Such sentiments have never been shared and are quite reminiscent of the American Revolution.

Ever since his statement, Zeffer has been under fire on Twitter almost 24/7. @al_cool233 tweeted: “So u r saying I should keep the iPhone 6s for more than one year?! That’s dumb,” to which Zeffer responded, “I have had my phone for 7 years and it doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I prefer using it to the newer ones.” A petition is currently being passed around the internet attempting to get Zeffer exiled for treason.
After the iPhone 7 was announced to come without a headphone jack, and the Samsung Note 7 reportedly exploded in many users’ pockets, there was a huge uproar from the public. Outrage spread as users were obligated to buy products with horrible features, and both devices obviously shared the same level of dangerousness. Zeffer decided to take on this issue by tweeting, “No headphones and explosions suck. But you guys know you don’t have to buy new phones every year right?” The following night, an angry mob surrounded his house and pelted it with rocks, shattering his windows. He was forced to evacuate.
There has been no news on his latest whereabouts, though some claim he fled the U.S. However, these events will have left a lasting impact on the country. Though all of his ideas failed to cause any kind of change in the technology world, Webster Dictionary was quick to add Zeff (an advocate of a completely ridiculous opinion; in a sentence: John, being a total Zeff, refused to buy the new Ear Pods) to the list of new words to appear in the next addition. As shoppers go on their yearly trip to the phone store to make their big choice on which phone to get, surely they will be reminded of Henry Zeffer, the man who failed American consumerism.

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